Like most bloggers, I wanted to chose a creative, catchy, meaningful title for my new blog. So how was “Kinectic Glow,” kinetic with an extra “c,” born?
But first of all, why blog? My desire to write evolved out of my need for reflection. On the outside, I am a lot of things to a lot of folks.
I’m mommy. I am the dryer of tears, cleaner of all things dirty and bodily waste related (human or otherwise), food source (direct or indirect), homework manager, referree, and life coach. I draw immeasurable joy from being mommy. There is just nothing that fills my heart with so much love or pride.
I’m the wife. The partner of raising a family that gets sick the night before a big day. I draw a lot of comfort from being the wife. It is work, but also a source of love and positive energy.
I’m the doctor. In day-to-day practice, I am a sounding board for patients: their thoughts and feelings, verbal and nonverbal, positive or negative, sensical or non. When I can help someone, I get positive reinforcement that my efforts are making a difference.
I’m the surgeon. Much like a competitive athlete, up early and in action, no matter what. In harsh reality, the potential to save or destroy sight is measured in millimeters and microns. It’s a lot of pressure. It is adulting. To the max.
It doesn’t matter if my inner world is falling apart, I pull energy from deep within, and do what I have trained to do.
The blog. Along the journey, I’ve met the wall. Many times. There were moments I was so spent, I had NOTHING left to give. Those evenings or mornings, I would collapse across the metaphorical finish line.
I snapped at my kids, my husband, my family. I was exhausted, overstimulated. I could not process one… more… thing.
During the training period, I lost touch with old friends, the maintenance being more than I could muster.
I missed important family gatherings. I did not have the free time, or the cash, to go home for holidays.
In my training years, I pushed so hard to grind it out. Just to survive the process of becoming a doctor and a surgeon. From my intern year until my last year of training, I carried, gave birth to, and breast fed three healthy children.
Three children DURING that process. I swear, I tear up remembering the whole body anguish and exhaustion of the hard times that spanned those 9 years. Those times I crashed against my wall over and over, feeling like I was failing my family, my kids. The process of crashing was like being the surfer tackling the biggest wave, holding my breath as it overwhelmed me, as I was suspended in the power and fury, beat against the rocks, confused as the oxygen was sucked from my lungs. The weight of the burden was almost more than I could bear. But I just kept at it. Just knew that if I could persist, I could come out on the other side.
I suffered from feeling like my life was no longer at my will. I felt like a slave. I needed some kind of mythical balance that everyone spoke of, longed for it.
Reflection on one’s life can be invaluable. But sometimes, it just leads to regret. Regret that there is no time for the things that really bring fulfillment: friends, family, community. I found I was mourning the loss of those things. I never knew that becoming a doctor would be so much about sacrifice.
Back to the blog.
Kinetic means, “relating to or resulting from motion.”
My life was in motion, but it was leaving me in its dust! I was joyless. It took a lot of heartache, and finishing residency, to figure out what energized my spirit again. To find my glow.
Glow is alternatively defined as,”to feel deep pleasure or satisfaction and convey it through one’s expression and bearing,”
In all of our hustle, I realized a basic need to pause, breathe, observe, and reflect. I needed to also remember how I got here, where I was going. I needed to embrace hope. I needed to manifest my hope in little ways that were tangible. I needed to find inner joy, and nurture it. This process gave me a starting point towards healing and living, as opposed to what I did for many years.
I don’t believe we are here to be victims of circumstance; that isn’t satisfying at all. When we can GLOW as life unfolds in the trenches, and experience joy, we not only fulfill ourselves, we inspire others. And this is how we connect. (kine-C-tic glow).
live. glow .connect.